Queer Eye...

In case you haven't heard, the jury is still out regarding the fate of "Queer Eye," which airs on BRAVO Tuesday nights at 10:00 p.m. (EDT).

While BRAVO states (according to what I have read on the web, which is ALWAYS reliable) that the "Fab 5" will return for the 2007 season, the "rumor" is that the cast hasn't been asked back yet...

What will life be like without the gay guidance of Carson Kressley (fashion), Kyan Douglas (grooming), Thom Filicia (interior design), Ted Allen (food & wine) and Jai Rodriguez (culture)? These guys are gay "royalty," or "Alpha Gays," that "Kev" loves. Say it isn't so, BRAVO!

Before they go, however, there is one demographic they haven't tapped...The dead guy. I know, this is a little macabre, I'm sorry, but I would like to see the Fab 5 spend one episode at a funeral home serving a population that is, if you ask me, in a rut. Forget the grey suit, pine box, and standard "out-of-the box" eulogy...

This (purely fictional) episode opens with the guys traveling in their black SUV to meet the corpse. Thom would read the guy's dossier and reveal something like, "It says he weighed 300 pounds and died of an acute coronary embolism!" Carson would proclaim, "Jesus Christ, Superstar!"

Upon arrival at the funeral home, the guys would assess the situation (i.e., dead guy) and do their magic.

Jai would take the dead guy aside and say something lame and trite as Jai always does..."OK, tonight is a special night for you...You will be having a LOT of visitors. You want to make this memorable. Have you thought about what you want to say?" All the while, Jai has had the life experiences of most 12-year-olds, but it's OK because he is young and cute and has great hair.

Next up, Carson, the FUNNIEST of the "Queer Guys"..."How you dress affects how you feel about yourself. Even if you're dead, you still want to be clean and fresh and look good because, who knows, you may come back one day." "I say go out like a rock star! Red leather pants are the ticket. They will provide the most stretch because they are natural skin, and hey, you will be wearing them for a REALLY long time, so this is important." Carson's tip..."To distress leather, use fine gauge sand paper." "For your shirt, a simple v-neck tee will do the trick. I like to give my tee's a yanking to make them look a little more worn (like me)."

Thom, who is my favorite, would then discuss the casket. "You're going to be spending a LONG time in this box. It should say something about YOU. We will use earth tones, from the beige family, and line the interior with taffeta pillows. Don't forget to pack your favorite pillow case. It'll help you rest (for eternity) easier. Bring along a travel candle. They come in a safe metal tin and they create great atmosphere." Then Thom would say something glib, which is why I like him the best, like, "Or we can line this with glass and put fish in there."

Kyan, the "hottest" "Queer Eye Guy," would lend his grooming tips...Your skin is already a little dry and you look a bit sullen. Using a moisturizer with SPF 15 will keep your skin hydrated while combating the sun's harmful rays, should they make there way six feet under." "We are also going to fill your cheeks with cotton to eliminate that sunken in look, which is never attractive." Kyan's tip..."Whether you're a knight in shining armor or just a clumsy scissor sister, sometimes you cut yourself. If you don't have a first aid kit, try honey. It actually has antibacterial properties. Plus it makes licking your wounds all the more tasty!" (Kyan's "queenier" than Carson, don't you think?)

Finally, Ted would consult the dead guy regarding the after funeral buffet the loved ones will enjoy post burial. "Forget the standard funeral fare." "First, start with Mojito martinis to elevate the mood." "For starters, why not serve shrimp wrapped in pancetta?" "For the main course, a Tandori-style ostrich breast with a yogurt cilantro sauce will have the crowd talking for days." "To round out the evening, a no-bake chocolate souffle with a raspberry glaze will leave them speechless." Then Ted would impart some gay food and wine tip, such as, "Cooking with wine? You don't have to use the good stuff but don't go too low brow. And NEVER use anything labeled "cooking wine." It's got salt in it. A good rule of thumb, never cook with anything you wouldn't drink."

The episode would close with the queer guys back at their "lair" watching the befuddled dead guy work through his tasks, preparing for his funeral, via their video monitor. Ted would say, "Oh, he is using too much cilantro in the yogurt sauce and he is over cooking the ostrich!" Carson would quip, "But look at his ASS in those pants!" "I think he is going to need more moisturizer," Kyan would add. The should would end as the queer guys toast the dead guy with their own Mojito martinis to a job well done. Jai would be reduced to tears, balled up in the corner of the sofa as Jai always is.