Walks Like A Duck

HEY EVERYONE! THANKS for stoppin' in. It's Saturday, "our" favorite day of the week.

Is it too soon to make Chris Benoit jokes? I know, it's very tragic (as most murder/suicides are). Some of you know the love-hate relationship I have with my ass-istant at the office. She's a very charming, lazy, good-for-nothin' that we can't seem to fire, but she makes me laugh sometimes. Anyhoo, yesterday, I asked her to complete a very simple task (check the mail) and she gave me her standard "Why can't you do it yourself" response, to which I replied, "Don't make me go "Benoit" on your ass." (I figured she would get the reference since she spends about 7.5 hours a day on the Internet.) She chuckled and handed me the mailbox key. I would like to officially trademark this expression since I thought of it myself. (Honest.)


"We" (when it's in quotes, you know it's just me, right?) would like to wish a new friend (and reader here), whom we'll call "Dave" (not even CLOSE to his real name, but he knows who he is) a super HAPPY 38th BIRTHDAY! "Dave" resides in my hometown of Chicago. "Dave" is a HUGE Stevie Nicks fan and probably one of her cutest fans too (after me of course...). This lucky bastard has naturally blond hair and blue eyes. "Dave" can converse using ONLY Stevie Nicks lyrics, which, for me, is a dream come true. Sometimes our conversations make no sense at all but that's okay. "Show me the way back to the sea, "Dave."" (I LOVE the sea, don't you?) Anyways, (I have to say "anyways" because it is VERY mid-western) HAPPY BIRTHDAY "Dave!"


"Dave" shares his birthday with boxer Mike Tyson (isn't "Dave" lucky) who turned 41 today. You know what I am going to tell you next, right? Yes, "Kev" met (I guess "ran into" would be more accurate) Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson lives in Scottsdale, Arizona. "Kev," as you know, lived in Phoenix. One day "Kev" was at Borders looking at magazines. Standing RIGHT NEXT TO ME I sensed this cagey/crazy guy (who was leafing through magazines, looking at the pictures only - I don't think he reads). I spotted the crazy tattoo on his head and knew instantly who he was. No one else seemed to notice him. I know I am going to lose a LOT of "GP's" (again, gay points) for saying this, but while afraid of him, I also found him oddly attractive. (He isn't very tall and is, of course, very muscular.) I calmly stepped away, as you would with a strange dog, and then told everyone, "HEY! Mike Tyson's in the magazine section!" Within seconds, a small crowd formed around him, asking for autographs. He looked peeved. I left. True story.

Next week I will tell you about the day Fred Goldman, father of OJ Simpson murder victim, Ronald Goldman, sold me socks! (How am I NOT a celebrity?)

Earlier in the week, I mentioned I would write about "Exodus International," an organization that proclaims "freedom from homosexuality through the power of Jesus Christ."

Here's an excerpt from their web site...

"Are you struggling with unwanted same-sex attractions? Maybe you have lived as a homosexual for a long time, but now are looking for a way out. You have come to the right place! For thirty years, Exodus International has offered hope and help to people seeking freedom from homosexuality. We believe and we have seen in thousands of lives that this freedom is possible through the power of God working in our hearts and minds.

The bottom line - you don't have to be gay! You can lead a life of fulfillment and holiness as God intended, a life far better than what you have experienced so far.

The journey to wholeness isn't an easy one, but we will be with you through the process. Our international network of Christian ministries, therapists and churches are devoted to providing the love and care you need as you pursue God, holiness, and healing."


Now that I have stopped laughing, where do I begin? In my opinion, it is criminal to, a) tell someone that they can lead a fulfilled life as God intended (as if they can't live a fulfilled life if they are gay and that God disapproves of them the way they were made) and b) that they can find "freedom" from homosexuality. Simply ridiculous.

"Kev" emailed Alan Chambers (the sissy-mary above, who is the president of Exodus International). Here is, in its' entirety, the message sent to Alan... "You still LOOK very gay. You still SOUND very gay." (Poignant, right? Some might say my points were "spot on!" I am sure my comments made him reflect a little. I was questioning the effectiveness of the program, and his personal results, by basing my argument on the "walks like a duck" theory.)

Alan's reply...

I will be away from the office June 22nd - July 9th due to the annual Freedom Conference. I will have very limited access to e-mail during this time.

I look forward to responding to your e-mails when I return.

Thank you,

Alan Chambers

Isn't this the GAYEST out-of-office message you have ever seen... Nobody, except an extreme homosexual, writes an out-of-office message like this. You know he doesn't look forward to responding to your emails when he returns. Who wants to come back after 3 weeks at an (un)gay-fest/brainwashing ceremony, a.k.a., "Freedom Conference," to respond to an in-box full of email? Nobody. I also think it is a little suspect that the "Freedom Conference" takes place at the same time the rest of the world celebrates gay pride. Perhaps the "Freedom Conference" is a guise to travel the country attending as many parades and white parties as possible. You aren't fooling us Alan!

Okay kids. That's IT for today.

I hope you ALL have a GR-EAT weekend!

Love,

"Kev"

Finally, this video is for "Dave" (okay, it's for me too). You've seen this here before, but we like it, so we're posting it AGAIN.