Sunday Sermon

It's Sunday! Turn off the alarm clock, sleep in and skip church because all of the inspiration you will need this week is right here at "Kev's Corner" my friend...

Welcome to the first, and probably last, installment of "Kev's Sunday Sermon." "Kev" (again, that's me) has never been a deep thinking, advice-giving gay. When turned to for direction or a shoulder to lean on, "Kev" often says, "Do what YOU think is best," "You know what is right for YOU," "Tow the line," "What would YOU do if asked the same question," "Why are YOU asking ME." If you are like "Kev," you will do what you want anyway and not heed the advice you are given. And really, aren't all answers found from within? If these don't work, use the advice my Grandmother imparted on us, which has been in our family for generations, an heirloom of sorts, which is, "Wish in one hand" and, well, you know what to do in the other...

However, when the situation demands something with a little more depth and verve, and a simple one-liner won't cut it, it's time to channel the infinite wisdom of Pop's reigning matriarch, Madonna. (Which is also fitting since today is Sunday, and, well Madonna is a biblical figure as well...) Now pay attention kids because I am about to share an invaluable "secret" I learned as a young gay, which is the technique of quoting Madonna lyrics. I learned this while working on my Master of Social Work (MSW) at the University of Illinois (at Chicago)* and it was worth every cent in tuition, or as I say, "queen's ransom." It is ALWAYS effective and more often than not, your listener will not even know what you are doing. Madge (that's what they call her in England) has volumes of hits that address almost each and every situation you will ever encounter throughout the course of your life. Whether you are a parent, a teacher, a manager of people, the Pope, or just a loser out on a Saturday night, this will work for you...

My personal favorite, inspirational, advice-giving song, is "Express Yourself" from the 1989 hit album, "Like A Prayer."

Here are some of the lyrics (with techniques you can, and should, use) -

You don't need diamond rings
Or eighteen karat gold (you can also switch this up with something you know the listener THINKS they need, like food or water)
Fancy cars that go very fast
You know they never last, no, no (believe me, THAT'S true..Mine has been in the shop 3 times since April, now the damn sun-roof won't close)
What you need is a big strong hand (or a puppy)
To lift you to your higher ground
Make you feel like a queen on a throne
Make him love you till you can't come down
(You'll never come down)

Long stem roses are the way to your heart (again, feel free to edit as needed - if you know the listener prefers daisies, then say daisies here)
But he needs to start with your head
Satin sheets are very romantic (this is a little dated - people don't sleep on satin sheets anymore - they're creepy - instead, say, "The Hotel Collection Sheets from Macy's are very romantic", and trust me, I have them and they are...)
What happens when you're not in bed
You deserve the best in life (really, YOU do...)
So if the time isn't right then move on (say this line twice for emphasis - it's very empowering)
Second best is never enough (throw in a curse word here, like "damn it" to really make the listener think you care)
You'll do much better baby on your own (then pat them on the head and say, "feel better?")

* "Kev" actually did not complete the Master's program at UIC and dropped out (i.e., was asked to leave) after just one semester although he was the best in his class at mastering this technique in the "Listen Like You Care" & "Words To Inspire Others" modules.

Madge is currently in Europe, promoting her latest album/CD, "Confessions On A Dance Floor" in her "Confessions" tour. (The U.S. leg of the tour has ended.) The CD is AWESOME.

To watch Madonna's "Express Yourself" video, click PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC GAY BOY (and practice the techniques you have learned so you can inspire yourself and others).

Finally, from all of us down here at the "Corner", we say, "Make it a G-R-E-A-T week," "Express Yourself (damn it)," and "Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant..." OK - "Kev" stole that from Scottish poet Robert Louis Stevenson, who died in 1894 but I don't think he will mind.

"Kev's" Post Script:
For "comedic effect," "Kev" indicated that he "dropped out" or was "asked to leave" his Master's program. He actually completed one year, received, yes, this is true, straight A's, but left to pursue another career path...I felt the need to disclose the truth since my (very lovely) middle school teacher reads this and I did not want her to think she educated a dummy...